Blinding Indeed

After my last post, I let iTunes shuffle away. Up came this song, which aroused the goose-bumps all over my body. Talk about 'full circles'....Enjoy, I digress.

"Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realize that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Someone's slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Someone's slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard
Someone's slipping through the hidden door"

S.O.S. To Self & An Open Letter To Our Hearts

So, as predicted, I fell off the blog world. I find it terribly difficult to share my thoughts and feelings with a bottomless pit of strange eyes. But, as luck would have it, I somehow find myself back here. Desiring to write down the many turbulence I've encountered over the last little while...and a while it has been.

Amazing how much can change in a matter of two months. Fascinating really! To make it brief, I met someone who's reopened my eyes to things. This new situation has literally brought back nearly nine years worth of repression....(serving his purpose quite well, I might add).

Things and feelings I thought I'd resolved are back, and I, well, I am on some sort of roller-coaster ride....mainly with myself.

I spent the last week or so feeling assured, content, happy, confident, sad, hysterical, insecure, weak, miserable and unpredictable. A ball of messy emotions finally surfacing.

I've always been proud....always dealing with things in a 'lady-like' fashion; with class and elegance. I do not appreciate turbulent waters, especially when not warranted. I pick the fights I see worth fighting, and let all others fall by the waistline. It takes some incredible strength not to freak out about everything, whilst everything is felt. Reactions are only natural, and I for one am always processing them....360˚at all times.

Tonight, I've had a breakthrough. I remembered so much what I loved about our time together. How I floated throughout....how things were so easy and right, even if just for a mere moment in this life. In striking sound, or complete silence, I felt at home when with you. Anything & Everything was possible!...Granted, all great things come to an end—ours will now be remembered for the pleasant feelings, not the agonizing pain, we, so unnecessarily put eachother through. You set me straight in so many ways, and now, finally, I can thank you and move forward with the knowledge that I felt love. I know what exists, and how much more potential there is out there. You always said "it's not an I can't, it's an I won't', and it's stuck with me throughout all this time. Now, I want to actively apply it to my life.

You feel life with your entire being. You are fearless....inquisitive and always striving for more. For that I admire you immensely. Thank you for loving me once...and thank you for somehow finding your way back into my thoughts....The lessons I take forward with me now are priceless. I always thought my lesson from you was about what I don't ever want... and now, I realize it's the opposite. You were all I ever wanted....and now, I want more...much more. Your existence gives me hope that this 'more' is out there.

I've come to my headway. Tonight, I decide what I want and don't want. I take it all in, and finally allow myself to not only realize my repressed pain, but also allow myself to feel and morn you. I was too proud and plowed through it. The hurt must have been so immense, it numbed me...and now it's begun again... still resounds in me like you wouldn't believe. It keeps bouncing off my inner organs. Rattling at me, shaking me into the present...AWAKE!..making sure to remind me of how it was and how it could be. I thank you for that.

I now, full heartedly, forgive you all, and ask you to forgive me the same. What a mess I've been!

Much love,
"the one who laughs with the greatest force of her life"

(So that was a mini vent....welcome back I say!)

Untitled

Came across some old poetry I'd written a few years back. Most are inexcusably bad, but the following, well, I felt the need to post....It HAS been a while since I wrote something on this dreaded blog-spot I, so foolishly, signed myself up to.

So, without further ado, here goes nada.

Stillness has filled my world.
The freshness of it, my love, has disappeared.
And only I stand alone.

The shore is shrinking,
While the tide washes in.
Maybe one day it'll take me in.
Drown my sorrow,
Wash my tears,
Fill my empty spaces,
And crowd itself in.

- S.D. © -

There you have it. That's all I've got for now...Truthfully, that is all I care to share c'est soir.

Not everything is sunshine and lollipops in Ponyland.

Well, what can I say...Another day has come and gone, but this one has been slightly more productive than my most recent ones.

Started out with the typical "Google-ing" of strange and funny facts, then made some more coffee. Drank and nibbled on some pistachios, when a craving for salami overwhelmed me. Needless to say, I made my way to the fridge and fed my cravings.

You: How long will this last?
Me: NO CLUE. Stick around to see.

All things aside, I'm trying to see if I can get into this blogging crap. So far, I've posted twice in a day. Not bad, or incredibly sad...

Any how, the day progressed and I actually got around to rewriting my resume, sending it out, yet another hundred or so times, and then I felt the urge to tackle my bathroom cabinets. The things you find! It was incredible. Not only did I find things I could have sworn woodland creatures had stolen, but I also discovered just how much crap I had hung on to.

When I mean crap, rest assured I am not kidding. I found old boxes, that my only reasoning for hanging on to them must have been for the sole purpose of redesigning or being inspired by for future 'projects'. It's safe to say the only purpose they served was that of filling space and collecting much unneeded dust. This can't be good for my karma nor is it very zen.

All in all, uneventful and quite boring was my day. I feel a little more at ease, but by no means does this put a smile on my face. The overwhelming frustration of not finding a job, living in the middle of nowhere and lacking motivation to reinvent my portfolio, has left me feeling pretty useless.

There was no sunshine, lollipops or bits of rainbow on this day.

Smart Food

A favorite food, pop-corn, made better by the addition of 'white cheddar cheese'. (Questionable). And thus, the obsession continues. I cannot refrain myself from eating the white cheddar-covered goodness that is Smart Food. Smart or not, it's delicious and incredibly addictive. This should have been the product to have come with the ever-famous tag line, "Bet you can't just eat one", because I just can't!