Wednesday, July 29, 2009
S.O.S. To Self & An Open Letter To Our Hearts
So, as predicted, I fell off the blog world. I find it terribly difficult to share my thoughts and feelings with a bottomless pit of strange eyes. But, as luck would have it, I somehow find myself back here. Desiring to write down the many turbulence I've encountered over the last little while...and a while it has been.
Amazing how much can change in a matter of two months. Fascinating really! To make it brief, I met someone who's reopened my eyes to things. This new situation has literally brought back nearly nine years worth of repression....(serving his purpose quite well, I might add).
Things and feelings I thought I'd resolved are back, and I, well, I am on some sort of roller-coaster ride....mainly with myself.
I spent the last week or so feeling assured, content, happy, confident, sad, hysterical, insecure, weak, miserable and unpredictable. A ball of messy emotions finally surfacing.
I've always been proud....always dealing with things in a 'lady-like' fashion; with class and elegance. I do not appreciate turbulent waters, especially when not warranted. I pick the fights I see worth fighting, and let all others fall by the waistline. It takes some incredible strength not to freak out about everything, whilst everything is felt. Reactions are only natural, and I for one am always processing them....360˚at all times.
Tonight, I've had a breakthrough. I remembered so much what I loved about our time together. How I floated throughout....how things were so easy and right, even if just for a mere moment in this life. In striking sound, or complete silence, I felt at home when with you. Anything & Everything was possible!...Granted, all great things come to an end—ours will now be remembered for the pleasant feelings, not the agonizing pain, we, so unnecessarily put eachother through. You set me straight in so many ways, and now, finally, I can thank you and move forward with the knowledge that I felt love. I know what exists, and how much more potential there is out there. You always said "it's not an I can't, it's an I won't', and it's stuck with me throughout all this time. Now, I want to actively apply it to my life.
You feel life with your entire being. You are fearless....inquisitive and always striving for more. For that I admire you immensely. Thank you for loving me once...and thank you for somehow finding your way back into my thoughts....The lessons I take forward with me now are priceless. I always thought my lesson from you was about what I don't ever want... and now, I realize it's the opposite. You were all I ever wanted....and now, I want more...much more. Your existence gives me hope that this 'more' is out there.
I've come to my headway. Tonight, I decide what I want and don't want. I take it all in, and finally allow myself to not only realize my repressed pain, but also allow myself to feel and morn you. I was too proud and plowed through it. The hurt must have been so immense, it numbed me...and now it's begun again... still resounds in me like you wouldn't believe. It keeps bouncing off my inner organs. Rattling at me, shaking me into the present...AWAKE!..making sure to remind me of how it was and how it could be. I thank you for that.
I now, full heartedly, forgive you all, and ask you to forgive me the same. What a mess I've been!
"the one who laughs with the greatest force of her life"
(So that was a mini vent....welcome back I say!)